Sunday, August 9, 2015

We're Officially Fucked: The GOP Debate Edition

Hey!  I'm back!  I'm gonna say some stuff!

I know I'm late to the party, but I just finally watched the GOP Debate Giant Shitshow last night and OMFG.  I moved recently, so I no longer own a television and I just got my internet set up; I have no idea how America has responded, but if America isn't shitting its pants right about now, we're in deeper trouble than I suspect.

For those of you who missed it, it's worth watching.  Here are links to allow you to do so:

Don't be afraid of clicking on a link that has "foxnews" in it.  It's cool.  Your computer won't explode.  I won't make the same promise for your head.

Let's do this.

The first thing you need to know is--

Horrifying.  Nothing about any of this is okay with me already.  This is a goddamned political debate.  It may as well have been--
*If you have not seen the movie "Idiocracy," go watch it now.  It'll be like having watched the debate, only smarter.
So, yeah.  Fox News teamed up with Facebook so every flag-wavin' dolt in the country could "participate" in the debate and submit questions for the candidates.  We all know this is a horrible idea, and we'll get to it later.
Since I have actively been avoiding the news lately, I had no idea that DONALD TRUMP IS THE ACTUAL FRONTRUNNER FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AND HOW IS THIS A THING. 
Donald Trump.
This guy.
What the actual fuck.
Actually, it makes sense, because here are our other choices:
I can't bring myself to review the debate minute-by-minute because I feel that wouldn't be healthy for me right now, but I'll do my best to cover what I thought were the highlights.  THERE ARE SO MANY.  I need to exercise control.
First of all, the "debate" took place in none other than my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio, and as a native Clevelander, my immediate reaction was--
-- but this was the least of my worries.  What I found even more disconcerting was that the debate was moderated by Shari Lewis' own Lambchop--
-- and how am I supposed to take any of this seriously at this point.
Anyway, this is our country I'm talking about, so I settled in and braced myself.
The first question allowed Trump to prove what a giant dickhead he is.  No surprise there.
Then, Dr. Ben Carson was asked a question, and it was something like, "Dr. Carson.  You're essentially the Sarah Palin of all the candidates, insomuch as you don't know shit about anything.  Basically, you're an idiot.  Should this worry us?"  Dr. Carson's response (THIS MAN IS A NEUROSURGEON) was pretty much,
and that's when I pretty much lost my mind.  He was not asked another question for a good 30 minutes because even the execs at Fox News were like, ""
Jeb Bush decided to join the ranks of Cher, Madonna and Ke$ha by essentially proclaiming that he just goes by JEB(!) now--  "In Florida, they call me Jeb.  Because I've earned it."  He said this directly after saying how proud he was of his brother, but I interpret this as, "PLEASE DO NOT LINK ME TO HIM IN ANY WAY BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT HE'S A GIANT IDIOT AND I DON'T WANT YOU THINKING ABOUT OUR SHARED GENES."  Well done, Jeb(!).  We totally don't remember your brother.  You're like a whole new person.  Totally unrelated.
Homicidal Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, took the time to explain how he pretty much hates women but he's still a totes awesome guy in God's eyes, because when it comes to an emergency abortion in order to save a woman's life--
--and now I'll never be visiting Wisconsin.
Huckabee chimed in to proclaim that fetuses have constitutional rights and I was pretty much all, "I HOPE I GET A LOT OF FETUSES SELECTED FOR JURY DUTY IF I'M EVER ON TRIAL," and then I slammed my head into a wall.
Trump then told us all about these people called Illegal Immigrants and pointed out the fact that he was the first person to have ever thought about this and America was all, "What are these illegal immigrants you speak of?"  Then he pinpointed a foolproof plan to keep these strange people out of our country--
--and that was pretty much the dumbest idea I'd ever heard until someone else (and I don't remember who it was) suggested an even better idea--

-- and good goddamn, these are the people who want to run the country. 
(For the record, I believe that we are all citizens *OF THIS PLANET* and I don't give even one fuck about people trying to come to our country.  I have compassion and empathy for every human being and if risking everything to come here is what will make life better, I applaud them, wish them well, and will give them money and help when I'm able.  Why is this such a big deal.  Love people, everybody.  It's a thing.)
Let's move on.  Dr. Miss Teen USA decides that torture is a fantastic thing and fuck the Geneva Convention-- USA!  USA!  USA!-- by stating, "What we do in order to get the information that we need is our business," in response to a question about waterboarding and how is this man a doctor.  Also, while I don't remember what the topic was (I'm just going by my notes at this point) he said the sentence, "You don't owe me no tithes," and what the fucking fuck.  Grammar, man.  Grammar.
Then everybody made a big deal about Common Core education and how totes amazeballs it is--
What the--?  26 + 17.  JUST ADD THE FUCKING NUMBERS.
--and not only does this hurt my brain, it makes me terrified for the future of our country.  This is why we are quickly becoming the dumbest country on the planet.
My notes remind me that it looks like Rand Paul could at any minute become this guy--
You knew I would include this.
--and if you watch the debate, you'll know what I'm saying is true.
There's talk of "murdering babies" and Planned Parenthood is brought up and how is this an actual topic.
A lot of this happens--
--because of course it does and then Mike Huckabee explains how the military works:

Finally, my favorite part of the "debate" happened (and as a former debater, I feel the need to encompass that word in quotes because I know how debating works, and this was no debate)-- Facebook user Chase A. Norton submitted the following question for the candidates:
"I want to know if any of them have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first."

That happened.  That was a thing.

Here is the ONLY acceptable response to that inquiry:

I don't believe in any of the gods, but even if you are a believer, ADMIT THAT HE DOES NOT CHAT WITH YOU.

Everybody then took turns talking about how God totally talks to them like all the time and how God favors America over every other country on earth and I somehow refrained from killing myself.

To conclude the "debate," everyone tried to one-up the others with claims of their poor upbringings, as if this somehow makes any fucking difference.  By the end, you'd think that everyone on the stage had grown up in goddamned cardboard boxes in the gutter and their previous extreme poverty somehow qualified them to lead our country.  I don't understand.

Incidentally, do you know what Hillary Clinton was doing the night of the debate?  THIS:

America, people.  Love it?  This is what we're dealing with.  Kiss it goodbye.


  1. "In Florida, they call me Jeb(!) because I've earned it." Is he saying he earned losing the Bush last name? Like stripping off the shackles of Bushiness? "I suck so much less than the rest of my family that I have been promoted to not having to use their name." Because that would be pretty awesome.

    1. "I have changed my last name to '!' because that's somehow better and in no way alarming."

  2. I've been in withdrawal from your addictive blog posts! So glad to have a new one.

    I'm the kind of guy who spits whenever someone mentions Fox News and detest them with a reckless enthusiasm one normally sees only in religious martyrs and Bachelorette contestants. However, I discovered all-new levels of jaw-dropping and eye-rolling as I watched the Giant Flaming Circus of Shame that was Fox New's Republican Debate (debacle).

    What was with the first question, posed to the entire panel, which only pertained to Trump? Then to be followed with questions like "tell us how awesome you are, Jeb," "described your bestest achievements Gov Kasich," and "when exactly did you stop fellating Bill Clinton, Trump?" The entire thing was designed to promote Fox News' choice (Roger Ailes, that is) and to torpedo the others, particularly Trump.

    I have no love at all for Trump, he's a feckless taint monkey, but watching the junior-high student council that passes for "journalists" at Fake News single him out was about the most immature, unprofessional thing I have ever witnessed outside of Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars. Seriously? You're going to call him out for misogyny when Scott "dont leave me alone with your children" Walker JUST ANNOUNCED he would kill a grown woman to save a lump of dividing cells? Seriously? Like John "a woman's place is in the kitchen" Kasich has a long track record of supporting women's rights.

    Who watches this crap on a daily basis? The paycheck-fondling, dickwhistling, softcore porn stars they call "journalists" can barely manage to string words together to form sentences. I've literally seen high school students produce shows on cable access channels that were more polished and professional. Did you see the beginning where they realized they nothing more to say but needed to fill five minutes before the debate actually started? Ugh. Does Me-Gyn Kelly never actually leave the Fox Studios? "Oh goodness, peoples is so excited and with the yelling! Jeezy-whiz is this where they play the sports ball stuff??"

    Anyway, here's my takeaway of the candidates:

    Trump: cant believe this joke has gone on as long as it has, even mentioned Sarah Palin as VP didnt drop his poll numbers. Supporters attacked Fox news and Megyn Kelly in mass after the debate.

    Jeb: Cant believe Trump is beating him. Will likely get the nod

    Rand Paul: No one knows why he's up there, least of all him.

    Marco Rubio: would have been a successful Democrat and likely their nominee this year, but banked on Hispanics remaining conservative. Now cant believe he's aligned himself with virulent racists, so quotes the Bible a lot and hopes they think his last name is Italian

    Kasich: is one bad day away from claiming he's "blessed" with stigmata.

    Ben Carson: might actually HAVE a brain disorder. No, I'm not kidding.

    Huckabee: wants to use the military to protect fetuses cuz "dna schedules" or something. No, I'm not kidding.

    Walker: local jail are scrambling to find more beds to house the army of Walker staff who have been arrested for a cornucopia of charges. Actually said he would let a woman die. Will eventually hang himself when child molestation charges surface.

    Ted Cruz: will not hang himself after child molestation charges surface. Will instead call them dirty liberal lies. When faced with video evidence will claim "they put my face in there with Photoshop and whatnot"

    Chris Christie: Sees himself as the post-9/11 Huey Long. Cant understand why people think he cant lead just because he yells at everyone around him.

    Carly Fiorino: Really? Seriously? The creative team that brought you Windows Vista has a better track record of success.

    The best we can hope for is we elect someone who doesnt screw up the Supreme Court Nominees and keeps us out of war for the next 8 years....

    1. Yikes, sorry for the grammar and spelling. I wrote that really fast without my reading glasses...