Friday, May 22, 2015

How To Not Be An Asshole: Memorial Day Edition

Memorial Day is coming up-- May 25th, for those of you not paying attention-- and I thought I'd write a Memorial Day post prior to the holiday so when the day arrives, you can know what it's about and maybe actually observe the day appropriately instead of acting like an asshole.
For the readers in other countries-- and, more importantly, for readers in America who have no clue what Memorial Day is actually about-- there's this thing in America called Memorial Day.  It's supposed to be a federal holiday dedicated to remembering and honoring the men and women who have died while serving in the Armed Forces, but most Americans know it as "HOLY-SHIT-I CAN-GET-A-MATTRESS-FOR-NEXT-TO-NOTHING-Day" and/or, "Day-Drinking-Fuck-Yeah-Party-Time-Day" because 'MERICA!  FUCK YEAH, let's all go shopping and then get wasted!
Not only do stores not close for Memorial Day, stores actually EXTEND their hours because we've turned this very serious, somber day of gratitude and reflection into a day to celebrate and promote materialism because we totally have our priorities straight.
"Because Savings died for your freedom!" --Alison
HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS, SALES!!!  I'm sure that's what people who died in the line of duty were thinking of as they took their last breaths:
"I hope...that one day...people will-- *cough, gasp*-- get to-- *chokes on blood*-- get a really good deal on... something-- *final exhale*."
NO.  No, no, no, no, no some more, no again, no several more times, no, no and NO.
What the fuck is wrong with everybody.
Americans are the worst kind of "patriotic" people.  We all stride around the world as if we own the place and we beat our 'Merica drum anytime another country's people have the gall to disagree with us about something--
Remember this fuckery? 
We were wrong about the WMD and you were right.  Our bad, France. 
Look at us not apologizing.
--but when it comes to actually having to take a day to be grateful for the ultimate sacrifices that countless men and women have made to protect and provide the freedom we all take for granted, we can't be bothered.  Everybody has a picnic or goes shopping, or both, because that's the best way to pay homage to the men and women who have died to secure our way of life.
What the fuck is wrong with everybody?  You can't take ONE GODDAMNED DAY to honor the people who have PAID WITH THEIR LIVES to provide you with the freedoms you enjoy?
This day is a NATIONAL HOLIDAY.  It was created so we would HONOR THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO HAVE DIED WHILE SERVING THIS COUNTRY.  Is it too much to ask to have everything shut down?  Is it too much to ask to have all Americans observe it in a way as to honor Our Fallen?  Is it too much to ask to take ONE FUCKING DAY to acknowledge the fact that millions of our own people have sacrificed EVERYTHING to preserve the rights we take for granted?
No one cares.  No one pays attention.
Wait.  That's not quite accurate.
Every single Memorial Day, well-meaning people thank me for my service because they don't understand what Memorial Day is about.  While that's nice and all, let's circle around and review:  Memorial Day is for honoring the men and women who have DIED while serving our country.  Don't thank me for my service on Memorial Day.  I didn't die while serving.  That's not what Memorial Day is about.  I applaud you on your attempt to be decent.  I give you an 'A' for effort, but an 'F' on understanding the assignment.  Thank you for kinda paying attention, but I don't actually appreciate the effort.
For all the assholes who don't know shit about anything and only know Memorial Day as some mysterious thing that gives you a three-day weekend,

This guy is probably your hero.
I get it, America-- you get to have Monday off.  Here's the thing.  While you're enjoying your day off, I want these images burned into your head:

Take a good, hard look at those and then enjoy your barbeques and your shopping sprees.

If, however, you wish to celebrate the day in a way that honors the meaning of the day itself, here are some suggestions:
* Visit cemeteries and place flowers and flags on the graves of fallen heroes.
*Visit memorials dedicated to veterans.
*Fly the flag at half-staff until noon.
*Pause at 3 p.m. for the National Moment of Remembrance.
*Visit disabled or wounded veterans, thank them for their service and listen to their stories (THIS is when it's acceptable to thank someone for their service-- because they more than likely served with close friends who died next to them in combat).  Don't do it out of obligation and go off to happy-time-daydream-land when they tell you their stories.  LISTEN to them.  See their pain.  Give them all the attention you have to give, as little as you may think it means.  Stop for a minute.  Imagine that you were put in a position-- a position YOU VOLUNTEERED TO BE IN-- where you and your closest friends were put in grave danger.  Imagine that a good number of your closest friends were killed in that situation, but you survived.  Imagine that the citizens of your country didn't really give a shit.  Then, imagine that only a few people will come to visit you to ask you how you are and to inquire about what happened that horrible day or days.  You would want to tell them that story and to honor your friends who didn't make it out alive.  You would want to tell their stories to honor them, and you would be so grateful for the fact that someone bothered to ask.  I have sad, angry tears in my eyes as I type this.  How many of you will spend Memorial Day honoring the men and women who have died in service to our country?  How many of you will visit the survivors and listen to their stories?  And how many of you will do no such thing and enjoy your picnics?
If you're totally fine with being an asshole, go shopping and get day-wasted because that's totally your right.  Just remember that millions of people died in order to protect your right to be an uncaring, self-absorbed asshole who doesn't feel in any way obligated to feel even one iota of gratitude for the people who have fought and died for your "right' to be an asshole.
Happy Memorial Day.



Sunday, May 17, 2015

I'm Being Sued!

No, it's not what you think.  Cheryl Strayed isn't suing me (though that would be endlessly entertaining).  It's something even dumber:

According to this article and this article and this article and a whole mess of other articles (just Google it; I don't have all day to keep giving you links), there's some jackass woman in Nebraska who is suing "all homosexuals."  Well, fuck me sideways.  I didn't even know that was a thing.  Can you do that?  Can I file a lawsuit against *all* idiots?
Look.  I'm totally gonna talk about other stuff in future posts.  I have no intention of turning this blog into some big, rainbow-farting gay fest, but c'mon.  What's with people and the obsession with gays?  Just this past week, some conservative fucktard named Sandy Rios blamed the Amtrak tragedy in Philadelphia on the conductor's sexual orientation because that makes total sense.
BREAKING NEWS: Disaster happens because GAY. 
Before we go on, allow a moment for me to address any homophobic readers who might accidentally stumble upon this blog.
Dear insanely anti-gay people,
You know what we gay folks all think when we hear you ranting about us?  "FAG."  That's what we think.  Gosh, I wonder why.  Seems like all the loudest hatemongers end up getting caught doing some supremely gay shit.
Oh, right, because it doesn't work that way.
Then there's this study and this study and all the other studies (there are too many links and I may have just linked you to the same study twice because I wasn't paying attention; again, Google it yourselves) that kinda prove how homophobic "heterosexual" men get giant boners when they watch totally hot man-on-man gay porn, while heterosexual men who are all, "Meh, who cares about gay people?" do *not* get giant boners when they watch totally hot man-on-man gay porn (note: everybody gets a boner when they watch lesbian porn because of course they do).  Anyway, that's so weird how all the anti-gay men get aroused when they watch man-on-man action, except-- oh, wait, no, it's not weird.  We tend to hate in others the things we don't like about ourselves, so... tell me more about how gay people are just the worst and how what we do is disgusting!  Just remember: the bigger the stink you make about gay people, the gayer you sound.  Can't wait to hear from you in the comments section-- especially you men-- so I can introduce you to this thing called Grindr. Oh, wait.  I probably won't hear from you because you're going to click on that link and then you'll be too busy meeting other men in your area for anonymous gay sex and you suddenly won't have any time to leave comments.  God, I wish there were a way to track this.
Hug and kisses, all you closet homos,
Anyway, let's get back to the topic at hand: I'M BEING SUED!  Holy shit!  Should I get a lawyer?  Let's look into this lawsuit a bit further to see just how serious it is.
The first thing you should know is that the entire lawsuit is handwritten on notebook paper because that's totally how lawsuits work.
This happened.
Holy shit.  I can't deal with that handwriting.
Here's the whole shebang in all its unedited glory (in respect for our dear Sylvia Ann Driskell, no grammatical corrections have been made):
I Sylvia Ann Driskell
Ambassador for Plaintiffs
God, and His, Son, Jesus Christ

Their Given Name Homosexuals
Their, Alis Gay

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell ambassador for Plaintiffs do set forth on this 30 day of 2015 in writing this Petition to the United State District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska

On behalf of the Plintiffs: God, and His, Son, Jesus Christ.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell ambassador for the Plaintiffs: God, and His, Son, Jesus Christ: Petition Your Honor, and Court of the United State District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraka, To be heard in the matter of homosexuality. Is Homosexuality a sin, or not a sin,

Defendant’s Homosexuals: The Homosexuals say that its not a sin to be a homosexual, An they have the right to marry, to be parents, And God doesn’t care that their homosexuals, because He loves them.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, refer Your Honor to paragraph 3, line 2 of Defendant’s, Homosexuals say that its not a sin, to be a homosexual.

Plaintiff’s: God tells his children in Leviticus Chapter 18 verse 22. Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind. It is ambomination.

Plaintiff’s: God also tells his Children in Romans Chapter 1 verse 26, 27. Romans 1:26. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affection: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: Romans Chapter 1, verse 27. And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; Men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell: Your Honor, I’ve heard the boasting of the Defendant: the Homosexuals on the world news; from the young, to the old; to the rich an famous, and to the not so rich an famous; How they were tired of hiding in the closet, and how glad they are to be coming out of the closet.

Plaintiff’s: God, tells his Children in Romans Chapter 1, vere 28, And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, Contend that homosexuality is a sin, and that they the homosexuals know it is a sin to live a life of homosexuality. Why else would they have been hiding in a closet.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, refer to Webster Dictionary for the definition of sin: sin the willful breaking of religious or moral law.

Defendant’s Homosexuals: In regards to paragraph 3 line 2 They the homosexuals, say they have the right to marry.

Plaintiff’s God: God’s word tells his children in Jenesis chapter 2 verse 24. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleanse unto his wife and they shall be one flesh.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell refer to the Webster Dictionary for the definitions of the word marry. 1 to join as husband and wife 2 to talk as husband or wife.

Defendant’s Homosexuals: In regards to paragraph 3 line 3 They the homosexuals, say they have the right to be parents.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell refer to Webster Dictionary for the definition for parent. 1. A father or mother. 2. Any organism in relation to its offspring.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell write these words to You, Your Honor: every good Father and Mother knows that its not just being able to give life to a child that makes a parent.

Ambassador: I, Sylvia Ann Driskell contend a good parent is not just a father or a mother that tells their children whats right; it’s the parent that walks the walk, and that talks, the talk, who are the example of what they teach, that’s why their children know right from wrong.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, write, As well, we also know that if a child is raised in a home of liers, an deceivers, and thieves that it is reasonable to believe that child will grow up to be one of the three, are all three.

Plaintiff’s: God tells the parents in Proverbs chapter 22 verse 6. Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Defendant’s Homosexuals: I regards to paragraph 3, line 3. They the homosexuals, say that God doesn’t care, that their homosexuals, because he loves them.

Plaintiff’s God: God tells his children in Romans chapter 1, verse 18. For the wrath of God is reveald from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness

Plaintiff’s God: God also tells his children in Romans 1, verse 24. Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lust of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves.

Plaintiff’s God: God tells his children in Romans chapter 1, verse 25. Who change the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed, for ever. Amen.

Defendant’s Homosexuals: In regards to paragraph 3, line 4. Because God loves them.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, contend thats the only statement the defendants have rights God loves them so much that He gave his Son, and Jesus gave his life for them.

Plaintiff’s God: God prophecies of His, Son, Jesus Christ, in Isaiah chapter 53, verse 5. But he was wounded for Our transgression, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are heald.

Isaiah chapter 53, verse 6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. Isaiah chapter 55 verse 7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; And to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

Plaintiff’s Jesus Christ: In Luke chapter 23, verse 34. Then said Jesus, Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, wish to address You, Your Honor, and the United State District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska.

I write not in few words, So I hope you, Your Honor, and The United State District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska; will indulge me, in my writing.

Never before has Our great Nation the United State of America and Our great state of Nebraska; been besiege by sin:

The way to destroy any nation, or state is to destroy its morals; look what happen to Sodom and Gomorrah two city because of the same immoral behavior that represent in our nation, in our states, and our cities; God destroy them.

If God could have found ten righteous people among them he would’ve spared them.

I’m sixty six years old, an I never thought that I would see the day in which our Great Nation or Our Great State of Nebraska would become so compliant to the complicity of some peoples lewd behavior.

Why are judges passing laws, so sinners can break religious and moral laws?

Will all the judges of this Nation, judge God to be a lier?

For God has said; that all unrighteousness is sin, and that homosexuality is abomination

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell: I have written this Petition to the United State District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska, and to you, Your Honor.

Because I feel its is imperative to do so. Life as a nation, as States, and as Cities need to start standing up for the moral principles on which our, Great Nation, Our, Great States, and Our, Great Cities were founded on.

Lamentations 3:22
It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not.

ambassador Sylvia Ann Driskell

My word. 
I'm confused.  I thought she was suing all homosexuals, but then I read everything over and concluded that she is only suing one person-- the Defendant-- and that this person owns all of the homosexuals.  "Defendant’s Homosexuals."  She refers to the "Defendant's Homosexuals" multiple times.  Does someone own me?  Goddamnit.  Have I been filing my taxes wrong all these years?
Okay.  While it would be good, hilarious fun to rip apart this idiot's lawsuit based on grammar alone-- and you KNOW I'm having a fucking stroke over here-- let's overlook that aspect and what the fuck did I just write.  Still.  Seeing as these two people were my parents--
There's my mom!
Aaaaand, that's my dad.
-- I'm maybe just a little familiar with the Bible, so I'm gonna take this on from a religious approach because 37 years of living on this planet have provided me with the knowledge that the vast majority of people who enjoy spitting out Bible passages aren't really all that familiar with the Bible, kind of like Sylvia here, who quoted "The Book of Jenesis."
This website makes my job that much easier.  Let's now explore 76 other things that are banned according to the Bible (just from Leviticus):
1.       Burning any yeast or honey in offerings to God (2:11)
2.       Failing to include salt in offerings to God (2:13)
3.       Eating fat (3:17)
4.       Eating blood (3:17)
5.       Failing to testify against any wrongdoing you’ve witnessed (5:1)
6.       Failing to testify against any wrongdoing you’ve been told about (5:1)
7.       Touching an unclean animal (5:2)
8.       Carelessly making an oath (5:4)
9.       Deceiving a neighbor about something trusted to them (6:2)
10.   Finding lost property and lying about it (6:3)
11.   Bringing unauthorized fire before God (10:1)
12.   Letting your hair become unkempt (10:6)
13.   Tearing your clothes (10:6)
14.   Drinking alcohol in holy places (10:9)
15.   Eating an animal which doesn’t both chew cud and has a divided hoof (cf: camel, rabbit, pig) (11:4-7)
16.   Touching the carcass of any of the above (problems here for rugby) (11:8)
17.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – any seafood without fins or scales (11:10-12)
18.   Eating – or touching the carcass of - eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, the red kite, any kind of black kite, any kind of raven, the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat. (11:13-19)
19.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – flying insects with four legs, unless those legs are jointed (11:20-22)
20.   Eating any animal which walks on all four and has paws (11:27)
21.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – the weasel, the rat, any kind of great lizard, the gecko, the monitor lizard, the wall lizard, the skink and the chameleon (11:29)
22.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – any creature which crawls on many legs, or its belly (11:41-42)
23.   Going to church within 33 days after giving birth to a boy (12:4)
24.   Going to church within 66 days after giving birth to a girl (12:5)
25.   Having sex with your mother (18:7)
26.   Having sex with your father’s wife (18:8)
27.   Having sex with your sister (18:9)
28.   Having sex with your granddaughter (18:10)
29.   Having sex with your half-sister (18:11)
30.   Having sex with your biological aunt (18:12-13)
31.   Having sex with your uncle’s wife (18:14)
32.   Having sex with your daughter-in-law (18:15)
33.   Having sex with your sister-in-law (18:16)
34.   Having sex with a woman and also having sex with her daughter or granddaughter (bad news for Alan Clark) (18:17)
35.   Marrying your wife’s sister while your wife still lives (18:18)
36.   Having sex with a woman during her period (18:19)
37.   Having sex with your neighbour’s wife (18:20)
38.   Giving your children to be sacrificed to Molek (18:21)
39.   Having sex with a man “as one does with a woman” (18:22)
40.   Having sex with an animal (18:23)
41.   Making idols or “metal gods” (19:4)
42.   Reaping to the very edges of a field (19:9)
43.   Picking up grapes that have fallen in your  vineyard (19:10)
44.   Stealing (19:11)
45.   Lying (19:11)
46.   Swearing falsely on God’s name (19:12)
47.   Defrauding your neighbour (19:13)
48.   Holding back the wages of an employee overnight (19:13)
49.   Cursing the deaf or abusing the blind (19:14)
50.   Perverting justice, showing partiality to either the poor or the rich (19:15)
51.   Spreading slander (19:16)
52.   Doing anything to endanger a neighbour’s life (19:16)
53.   Seeking revenge or bearing a grudge (19:18)
54.   Mixing fabrics in clothing (19:19)
55.   Cross-breeding animals (19:19)
56.   Planting different seeds in the same field (19:19)
57.   Sleeping with another man’s slave (19:20)
58.   Eating fruit from a tree within four years of planting it (19:23)
59.   Practising divination or seeking omens (tut, tut astrology) (19:26)
60.   Trimming your beard (19:27)
61.   Cutting your hair at the sides (19:27)
62.   Getting tattoos (19:28)
63.   Making your daughter prostitute herself (19:29)
64.   Turning to mediums or spiritualists (19:31)
65.   Not standing in the presence of the elderly (19:32)
66.   Mistreating foreigners – “the foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born”  (19:33-34)
67.   Using dishonest weights and scales (19:35-36)
68.   Cursing your father or mother (punishable by death) (20:9)
69.   Marrying a prostitute, divorcee or widow if you are a priest (21:7,13)
70.   Entering a place where there’s a dead body as a priest (21:11)
71.   Slaughtering a cow/sheep and its young on the same day (22:28)
72.   Working on the Sabbath (23:3)
73.   Blasphemy (punishable by stoning to death) (24:14)
74.   Inflicting an injury; killing someone else’s animal; killing a person must be punished in kind (24:17-22)
75.   Selling land permanently (25:23)
76.   Selling an Israelite as a slave (foreigners are fine) (25:42)

Well, look at that.  Please, are there any people reading this who haven't committed at least one of these terrible, terrible abominations?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  This all comes straight out of the Christian Bible.  If Christianity (in any of its forms) is your religion, guess what: you don't get to pick and choose which rules you feel like following.  I'm familiar with your God, and he sounds like a giant, insecure asshole.  You'd better do what he says or you'll go to hell (don't worry, he totally still loves you; that's why he created Hell-- so you can suffer forever for committing petty crimes).

What's with the obsessive fascination about the gay stuff?  All the shit listed above is in the bible, too.  Why aren't people going apeshit about the other stuff?

Oh, is that shirt a polyester blend?  SEE YOU IN HELL, MOTHERFUCKER.
Did you enjoy your seafood dinner?  HOPE IT WAS WORTH AN ETERNITY IN HELL.
Is this seriously the sort of shit people believe?  Of course not, because believing all of this nonsense would be totes inconvenient.  Let's just focus on the gay stuff.
Here's a helpful chart to help you figure out where you should stand on gay rights:
You're welcome.
Okay, I'm gonna go find a good lawyer because this lawsuit is just terrifying.