Wednesday, November 25, 2015

How to Ruin Thanksgiving

*IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERThe views expressed in this blog DO NOT reflect the views of my employer, nor do they reflect the views of any other employer anywhere in the world, or of any people who happen to be employed anywhere (additionally, to cover all of my bases, it's entirely likely that all self-employed, unemployed, retired, imprisoned, institutionalized and/or dead people also do not share my views, and this should take care of just about everyone).  Whatever insanity may follow, it will be mine and mine alone and IN NO WAY affiliated with my employer and/or how my employer feels about life in general.  Furthermore, I would like to officially say that my employer is Totes The Bestest and I agree 100% with everything they doIf anyone from Corporate is reading--


Now that my official statement is out of the way, let's get on with it.

We're going to talk about Thanksgiving.  Eventually.  First, let's talk about some other stuff.

I work in retail management.  More specifically, I am or have been one version or another of a "Visual-Merchandising-Operations-Logistics Manager/Supervisor" (some companies enjoy changing my title every few months because meh, why not) for nearly twenty years now and I am wearily familiar with the insanity that is The Holiday Season and yes, I mean the HOLIDAY season because (and I can't believe this explanation is still necessary) CHRISTMAS ISN'T THE ONLY HOLIDAY.  No matter how hard the big, blubbering vaginas on Fox News try to convince you otherwise, there is no such thing as A WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

Just STFU.

Oh, hey there, people living in a bubble-- there are some other holidays people actually celebrate this time of year.  Some people celebrate Christmas, some celebrate Hanukkah, some celebrate Kwanzaa, some celebrate the Winter Solstice, and the best people celebrate Festivus.  Any which way you look at it, THERE ARE SEVERAL HOLIDAYS TAKING PLACE THIS TIME OF YEAR, HENCE THE POPULAR EXPRESSION, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS."  Did you think "Happy Holidays" was just recently invented by atheist-homo-commi-heathens who totes hate Jesus?  Guess again.  Here's an ad from the Philadelphia Enquirer from 1863:

Here's one from the Duluth News-Tribune from 1890:
And here's one from Georgia's own Macon Telegraph, also from 1890:

And this was before Festivus.

The only war taking place is the imaginary one between Closed-Minded-Assholes-Who-Think-Christmas-Is-The-Only-Holiday and this thing called The Rest Of The World.

So, yeah.  That's a thing.

Now, let's talk about Black Friday for a minute.  Black Friday used to be the least favorite day of the year for anyone in retail.  Black Friday used to be the day all of you assholes turned into your own real-life version of The Purge.  You would literally kill one another while stampeding into stores.  There's an actual website dedicated to tracking Black Friday deaths and injuries.  In the minutes leading up to Black Friday openings, the cheery, motivational speech I would give to my employees would go something like--

--and when I finally opened the doors, all of you lunatics would just lose it and do this--

--quickly followed by--
--because all of you are completely insane.

Fine.  Whatever.  Black Friday.  It was a thing.  I would go into work with the mindset of a soldier going into battle:  I might die today.  This, sadly, was an actual possibility, and something for which I realistically had to mentally prepare, because again, you people are out of your goddamned minds.  I was okay with this.  I had this.

Ah, memories. 

Black Friday sucked hard.  Still, I managed to salvage some humor out of the day.  Sometimes I would interpret the dress code in my own way--

"Wear ALL BLACK, and also these fingerless gloves."
"Wear something festive!"
Loopholes, man.  Loopholes.  I took advantage.
Sometimes I would express my pre-work enthusiasm by posting my thoughts about the day on FB--

And I started my own holiday tradition of posting photos of the aftermath every year, captioned, "This is why I hate you."

I did my best to hold onto my sanity, man.  I did my best.

And here's when I finally get to the point, because Black Friday is no longer a thing, and neither is Thanksgiving.

2014 was The Year Thanksgiving Died.

2014 was the year when CEOs decided, "You know what?  Fuck everybody."



Good job, everybody.  Good job understanding Thanksgiving, except the opposite of that.

You're probably thinking that now is when I'm going to go Full Charlie Brown and emotionally explain the True Meaning of Thanksgiving, and that's where you'd be wrong.  I don't give even half a fuck about the true meaning of Thanksgiving, mostly because the history of Thanksgiving is actually sort of awful and involves a lot of genocide, and also because the reason I love Thanksgiving has relatively nothing to do with Thanksgiving. 

Just for giggles, though, let's briefly review the origin of Thanksgiving.

Back in old, old, old-timey-times, a bunch of white people came to America and they didn't know fuck-all about anything.  Shortly after landing in America, they were pretty much starving to death because they were incapable of doing anything right, and some well-meaning Native Americans were all, "We should help these idiots.  What could go wrong?"

Oh, white people!
 The first Thanksgiving happened after the Native Americans taught the white idiots how to survive, and then the white people were all, "We're totes gonna make dinner for everybody; bring everyone."  Then everyone showed up and the white people were suddenly, "Um, yeah, we don't have enough, maybe you should go," and that's when the Native Americans were all, "No, we got this," went back to their village and brought back a crap-ton of food and everybody had a great time.  This is like if you invited a whole mess of people over for Thanksgiving dinner and then admitted, "Uh, I only have napkins."
Anyway. I won't get into the whole story; I'll skip right to the conclusion.  Everybody had dinner and then white people pretty much annihilated an entire race of people.  HAPPY FUCKING THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY!
Let's get to the point.
The reason I used to love Thanksgiving is because it was a guaranteed day off before the shit hit the retail fan.  It was a day for retail employees to spend precious time with our family and friends one last time before we disappeared into retail hell for the following several weeks, reappearing in early January, haggard and with the thousand-yard-stare.  Thanksgiving was OUR DAY.
Not anymore.  We don't even get one fucking day.
I have to be at work at 1:30 in the afternoon on Thanksgiving and I won't get off until the middle of the night.  THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS "THANKSGIVING BREAKFAST."  My entire holiday is fucked.  As an extra added bonus, my birthday happens to land on Thanksgiving this year, and I'm sure going to enjoy spending it at work watching all of you people act like wild animals and then having to listen to you complain about *having to wait in line* because you genuinely thought you'd be the only person shopping.  IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.
You know, maybe it's just a vicious rumor, but I swear I've heard that Thanksgiving is supposed to be a day for a celebration of gratitude.  It's a day when you take inventory of all of the things and people you have in your life and feel grateful for everything and everyone you have, or at least that's how I would be spending my Thanksgiving if I got to have one.  I'm pretty sure going shopping on this day is pretty much the opposite of what you're supposed to be doing, but what the hell do I know.  But hey, do your thing, people.  Thanks for not caring about any of us or our families.  Mighty swell of you.
For all of you who plan on shopping tomorrow, YOU'RE THANKSGIVING-ING WRONG.


Sunday, August 9, 2015

We're Officially Fucked: The GOP Debate Edition

Hey!  I'm back!  I'm gonna say some stuff!

I know I'm late to the party, but I just finally watched the GOP Debate Giant Shitshow last night and OMFG.  I moved recently, so I no longer own a television and I just got my internet set up; I have no idea how America has responded, but if America isn't shitting its pants right about now, we're in deeper trouble than I suspect.

For those of you who missed it, it's worth watching.  Here are links to allow you to do so:

Don't be afraid of clicking on a link that has "foxnews" in it.  It's cool.  Your computer won't explode.  I won't make the same promise for your head.

Let's do this.

The first thing you need to know is--

Horrifying.  Nothing about any of this is okay with me already.  This is a goddamned political debate.  It may as well have been--
*If you have not seen the movie "Idiocracy," go watch it now.  It'll be like having watched the debate, only smarter.
So, yeah.  Fox News teamed up with Facebook so every flag-wavin' dolt in the country could "participate" in the debate and submit questions for the candidates.  We all know this is a horrible idea, and we'll get to it later.
Since I have actively been avoiding the news lately, I had no idea that DONALD TRUMP IS THE ACTUAL FRONTRUNNER FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AND HOW IS THIS A THING. 
Donald Trump.
This guy.
What the actual fuck.
Actually, it makes sense, because here are our other choices:
I can't bring myself to review the debate minute-by-minute because I feel that wouldn't be healthy for me right now, but I'll do my best to cover what I thought were the highlights.  THERE ARE SO MANY.  I need to exercise control.
First of all, the "debate" took place in none other than my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio, and as a native Clevelander, my immediate reaction was--
-- but this was the least of my worries.  What I found even more disconcerting was that the debate was moderated by Shari Lewis' own Lambchop--
-- and how am I supposed to take any of this seriously at this point.
Anyway, this is our country I'm talking about, so I settled in and braced myself.
The first question allowed Trump to prove what a giant dickhead he is.  No surprise there.
Then, Dr. Ben Carson was asked a question, and it was something like, "Dr. Carson.  You're essentially the Sarah Palin of all the candidates, insomuch as you don't know shit about anything.  Basically, you're an idiot.  Should this worry us?"  Dr. Carson's response (THIS MAN IS A NEUROSURGEON) was pretty much,
and that's when I pretty much lost my mind.  He was not asked another question for a good 30 minutes because even the execs at Fox News were like, ""
Jeb Bush decided to join the ranks of Cher, Madonna and Ke$ha by essentially proclaiming that he just goes by JEB(!) now--  "In Florida, they call me Jeb.  Because I've earned it."  He said this directly after saying how proud he was of his brother, but I interpret this as, "PLEASE DO NOT LINK ME TO HIM IN ANY WAY BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT HE'S A GIANT IDIOT AND I DON'T WANT YOU THINKING ABOUT OUR SHARED GENES."  Well done, Jeb(!).  We totally don't remember your brother.  You're like a whole new person.  Totally unrelated.
Homicidal Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, took the time to explain how he pretty much hates women but he's still a totes awesome guy in God's eyes, because when it comes to an emergency abortion in order to save a woman's life--
--and now I'll never be visiting Wisconsin.
Huckabee chimed in to proclaim that fetuses have constitutional rights and I was pretty much all, "I HOPE I GET A LOT OF FETUSES SELECTED FOR JURY DUTY IF I'M EVER ON TRIAL," and then I slammed my head into a wall.
Trump then told us all about these people called Illegal Immigrants and pointed out the fact that he was the first person to have ever thought about this and America was all, "What are these illegal immigrants you speak of?"  Then he pinpointed a foolproof plan to keep these strange people out of our country--
--and that was pretty much the dumbest idea I'd ever heard until someone else (and I don't remember who it was) suggested an even better idea--

-- and good goddamn, these are the people who want to run the country. 
(For the record, I believe that we are all citizens *OF THIS PLANET* and I don't give even one fuck about people trying to come to our country.  I have compassion and empathy for every human being and if risking everything to come here is what will make life better, I applaud them, wish them well, and will give them money and help when I'm able.  Why is this such a big deal.  Love people, everybody.  It's a thing.)
Let's move on.  Dr. Miss Teen USA decides that torture is a fantastic thing and fuck the Geneva Convention-- USA!  USA!  USA!-- by stating, "What we do in order to get the information that we need is our business," in response to a question about waterboarding and how is this man a doctor.  Also, while I don't remember what the topic was (I'm just going by my notes at this point) he said the sentence, "You don't owe me no tithes," and what the fucking fuck.  Grammar, man.  Grammar.
Then everybody made a big deal about Common Core education and how totes amazeballs it is--
What the--?  26 + 17.  JUST ADD THE FUCKING NUMBERS.
--and not only does this hurt my brain, it makes me terrified for the future of our country.  This is why we are quickly becoming the dumbest country on the planet.
My notes remind me that it looks like Rand Paul could at any minute become this guy--
You knew I would include this.
--and if you watch the debate, you'll know what I'm saying is true.
There's talk of "murdering babies" and Planned Parenthood is brought up and how is this an actual topic.
A lot of this happens--
--because of course it does and then Mike Huckabee explains how the military works:

Finally, my favorite part of the "debate" happened (and as a former debater, I feel the need to encompass that word in quotes because I know how debating works, and this was no debate)-- Facebook user Chase A. Norton submitted the following question for the candidates:
"I want to know if any of them have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first."

That happened.  That was a thing.

Here is the ONLY acceptable response to that inquiry:

I don't believe in any of the gods, but even if you are a believer, ADMIT THAT HE DOES NOT CHAT WITH YOU.

Everybody then took turns talking about how God totally talks to them like all the time and how God favors America over every other country on earth and I somehow refrained from killing myself.

To conclude the "debate," everyone tried to one-up the others with claims of their poor upbringings, as if this somehow makes any fucking difference.  By the end, you'd think that everyone on the stage had grown up in goddamned cardboard boxes in the gutter and their previous extreme poverty somehow qualified them to lead our country.  I don't understand.

Incidentally, do you know what Hillary Clinton was doing the night of the debate?  THIS:

America, people.  Love it?  This is what we're dealing with.  Kiss it goodbye.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

I Guess Some Stuff Happened Last Week

I rarely receive hate-mail about the Cheryl Strayed blog, but when I do, it's from people who are convinced I'm some sort of monster.  They all seem to think I stomp around the world with a perpetual scowl on my face, ripping wings off of butterflies and yelling obscenities at babies and junk-punching old people.  They know, without a doubt, that I'm an incredibly ANGRY person who is in desperate need of psychiatric help and they email to tell me that I'm a horrible person with *profound* anger issues.  My favorite piece of hate-mail came from some nutcase who called me a "verbal terrorist" because that's totally a thing.

I'm detecting an unpopular opinion here...GITMO FOR YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.

Pfffffffffffft, go fuck yourselves, hate-mail assholes; you don't know me.  This perception could not be further from the truth.  I'm super laid back and it's incredibly difficult to get me worked up about anything.  If I had a life motto, it would be something like, "Meh," assuming I could even be bothered to come up with a motto, which is unlikely.  I rarely care about anything long enough to form a solid opinion.  This would explain why I post so rarely on this new blog.  I just don't care. 

Why do I seem so angry?  First of all, it's because angry people are funny, so I'm doing it on purpose.  Secondly, it's because my job forces me to interact with the public and I have to be nice and polite all day long even when people are treating me like garbage, so I use my online persona to release some steam.  Writing is my therapy.  Fuck off.  (See?  I feel better already.)

That said, there's no point in having a blog if I'm not gonna post shit from time to time, so I guess I should muster up a halfhearted opinion about something.

If I'm to base the state of the world on what my friends have been posting on Facebook, TWO WHOLE FUCKING THINGS happened this past week.

Thing Number One:  Bruce Jenner became a lady named Caitlyn.

I loved you in "Grey Gardens."
Oh, shit.  Wrong picture.
There we go.

Okay, so, something gay happened; I think I'm supposed to care.  I kinda don't.  I mean, good for Caitlyn.  I'm glad she's finally at peace with everything, but I still wouldn't be surprised if this all turned out to be a publicity stunt borne in the stinking garbage heap of used condoms and empty Cristal bottles Kris Jenner calls a brain.  Let's assume, however, that Caitlyn is a real thing.  I'm glad for her.
Apparently, there's a whole mess of people who are all bent about this story, and from what I've gathered, it's because everyone is saying how brave Caitlyn is to have made this decision and The Mess have decided to take offense at the use of the word "brave."  Their main argument looks like this:
Oh, okay.
Bravery, heroism and courage are not exclusive to combat situations, assholes.  People can be brave and exhibit courage in other ways, and Merriam Webster defines 'hero' as "a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities."  Does *everyone* have to admire this person?  Nope, but some people do, so just STFU already.  There are undoubtedly countless people who very badly wish to change genders-- and many who have done so (note in the comments section of that article the shitheap who says that being transgendered is a mental illness and equates sexual reassignment surgery to self-mutilation)-- and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for them.  For those people, Caitlyn is a brave and courageous and a hero because switching genders is no easy thing.  You don't share the same opinion?  Congratulations on being born in a body that suits you.  Now shut your mouths and go about your business.  Nobody asked you.
That's Thing Number One.
Thing Number Two:  The Duggars are some creepy motherfuckers.
Admittedly, I do not nor have I ever watched the shitshow called "19 Kids and Counting" (formerly known as both "17 Kids and Counting" and "18 Kids and Counting" because what the fucking fuck).  As a gaytheist (yeah, that's a thing) there's nothing appealing to me about watching a show about Christian breeders.  Anyway, apparently there's this show on some cable channel about some ├╝ber-Christian jackass and the Baby Factory he calls a wife and the NINETEEN GODDAMNED KIDS who shot out of that poor woman's vagina because, 
...says the guy who is his own dad.
Right.  Anyway, brace yourselves.  Crazy as this may sound, it turns out that a *super-duper Christian* is guilty of sexual assault and...
No fucking way!
I *never* would have guessed that anything inappropriate might be going on in an oppressive, insanely religious household.  NEVER!
What is this horseshit.  I've read the articles.  I've even watched a couple videos.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY.
From what I've read/seen, the Duggars think this isn't supposed to be a big deal because the victims were 1) fully clothed and 2) asleep while the molestation was happening.  FUCK THAT.  If I were fully clothed and asleep on the subway and some shithead decided to fondle me through my clothes while I was sleeping, I WOULD BE BEYOND PISSED ABOUT IT AND I WOULD NOT BE MAKING EXCUSES FOR SAID SHITHEAD AND TALKING ABOUT HOW IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.  What the actual fuck, Duggars.  I'll see all of you assholes in hell.
The totally guilty shithead in question actually admitted to molesting kids repeatedly, but the parents did nothing about it because Jesus. 
Fuck this family right in the face. 
You want to know what gets me worked up?  You want to know what cracks my apathy into smithereens?  RELIGION.  Now is not the time; I'll address it in the future.  For the record, fuckery in the name of religion pisses me off like nobody's business.
These assholes-- the Duggars-- OF COURSE have some very anti-gay opinions about shit because they're infinitely more pious than the rest of us and know what's best for everyone and fuck that noise.  LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE A THOUSAND KIDS YOU CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF AND JUST EXPECT *JESUS* TO BE THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING.  Here's a screenshot of the (of course) Fox interview; look at the stupid wife--
"Please tell me what to think.  You are my lord and master.  I'm just a woman.  I can't think for myself because Jesus."
Goddamnit.  Fuck these people right in the face.  Or the elbow.  Or in any place that won't cause another goddamned pregnancy.  SORRY YOUR SHOW GOT CANCELED, MOTHERFUCKERS.  WHERE IS YOUR IMAGINARY SKY WIZARD NOW? 
I guess that covers the news from last week.  Something super gay happened and the majority of the country applauded, and some super religious assholes proved once again that oppressive religious fanaticism is nothing but a breeding ground for illegal, immoral fuckery.
FUCKING ARMAGEDDON, right?  Will there be popcorn, or do I have to bring my own?

Hugs and kisses,
Update:  There's some news about the combat photo/mockery of Jenner's bravery.  See it here:

Friday, May 22, 2015

How To Not Be An Asshole: Memorial Day Edition

Memorial Day is coming up-- May 25th, for those of you not paying attention-- and I thought I'd write a Memorial Day post prior to the holiday so when the day arrives, you can know what it's about and maybe actually observe the day appropriately instead of acting like an asshole.
For the readers in other countries-- and, more importantly, for readers in America who have no clue what Memorial Day is actually about-- there's this thing in America called Memorial Day.  It's supposed to be a federal holiday dedicated to remembering and honoring the men and women who have died while serving in the Armed Forces, but most Americans know it as "HOLY-SHIT-I CAN-GET-A-MATTRESS-FOR-NEXT-TO-NOTHING-Day" and/or, "Day-Drinking-Fuck-Yeah-Party-Time-Day" because 'MERICA!  FUCK YEAH, let's all go shopping and then get wasted!
Not only do stores not close for Memorial Day, stores actually EXTEND their hours because we've turned this very serious, somber day of gratitude and reflection into a day to celebrate and promote materialism because we totally have our priorities straight.
"Because Savings died for your freedom!" --Alison
HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS, SALES!!!  I'm sure that's what people who died in the line of duty were thinking of as they took their last breaths:
"I hope...that one day...people will-- *cough, gasp*-- get to-- *chokes on blood*-- get a really good deal on... something-- *final exhale*."
NO.  No, no, no, no, no some more, no again, no several more times, no, no and NO.
What the fuck is wrong with everybody.
Americans are the worst kind of "patriotic" people.  We all stride around the world as if we own the place and we beat our 'Merica drum anytime another country's people have the gall to disagree with us about something--
Remember this fuckery? 
We were wrong about the WMD and you were right.  Our bad, France. 
Look at us not apologizing.
--but when it comes to actually having to take a day to be grateful for the ultimate sacrifices that countless men and women have made to protect and provide the freedom we all take for granted, we can't be bothered.  Everybody has a picnic or goes shopping, or both, because that's the best way to pay homage to the men and women who have died to secure our way of life.
What the fuck is wrong with everybody?  You can't take ONE GODDAMNED DAY to honor the people who have PAID WITH THEIR LIVES to provide you with the freedoms you enjoy?
This day is a NATIONAL HOLIDAY.  It was created so we would HONOR THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO HAVE DIED WHILE SERVING THIS COUNTRY.  Is it too much to ask to have everything shut down?  Is it too much to ask to have all Americans observe it in a way as to honor Our Fallen?  Is it too much to ask to take ONE FUCKING DAY to acknowledge the fact that millions of our own people have sacrificed EVERYTHING to preserve the rights we take for granted?
No one cares.  No one pays attention.
Wait.  That's not quite accurate.
Every single Memorial Day, well-meaning people thank me for my service because they don't understand what Memorial Day is about.  While that's nice and all, let's circle around and review:  Memorial Day is for honoring the men and women who have DIED while serving our country.  Don't thank me for my service on Memorial Day.  I didn't die while serving.  That's not what Memorial Day is about.  I applaud you on your attempt to be decent.  I give you an 'A' for effort, but an 'F' on understanding the assignment.  Thank you for kinda paying attention, but I don't actually appreciate the effort.
For all the assholes who don't know shit about anything and only know Memorial Day as some mysterious thing that gives you a three-day weekend,

This guy is probably your hero.
I get it, America-- you get to have Monday off.  Here's the thing.  While you're enjoying your day off, I want these images burned into your head:

Take a good, hard look at those and then enjoy your barbeques and your shopping sprees.

If, however, you wish to celebrate the day in a way that honors the meaning of the day itself, here are some suggestions:
* Visit cemeteries and place flowers and flags on the graves of fallen heroes.
*Visit memorials dedicated to veterans.
*Fly the flag at half-staff until noon.
*Pause at 3 p.m. for the National Moment of Remembrance.
*Visit disabled or wounded veterans, thank them for their service and listen to their stories (THIS is when it's acceptable to thank someone for their service-- because they more than likely served with close friends who died next to them in combat).  Don't do it out of obligation and go off to happy-time-daydream-land when they tell you their stories.  LISTEN to them.  See their pain.  Give them all the attention you have to give, as little as you may think it means.  Stop for a minute.  Imagine that you were put in a position-- a position YOU VOLUNTEERED TO BE IN-- where you and your closest friends were put in grave danger.  Imagine that a good number of your closest friends were killed in that situation, but you survived.  Imagine that the citizens of your country didn't really give a shit.  Then, imagine that only a few people will come to visit you to ask you how you are and to inquire about what happened that horrible day or days.  You would want to tell them that story and to honor your friends who didn't make it out alive.  You would want to tell their stories to honor them, and you would be so grateful for the fact that someone bothered to ask.  I have sad, angry tears in my eyes as I type this.  How many of you will spend Memorial Day honoring the men and women who have died in service to our country?  How many of you will visit the survivors and listen to their stories?  And how many of you will do no such thing and enjoy your picnics?
If you're totally fine with being an asshole, go shopping and get day-wasted because that's totally your right.  Just remember that millions of people died in order to protect your right to be an uncaring, self-absorbed asshole who doesn't feel in any way obligated to feel even one iota of gratitude for the people who have fought and died for your "right' to be an asshole.
Happy Memorial Day.