Sunday, June 7, 2015

I Guess Some Stuff Happened Last Week

I rarely receive hate-mail about the Cheryl Strayed blog, but when I do, it's from people who are convinced I'm some sort of monster.  They all seem to think I stomp around the world with a perpetual scowl on my face, ripping wings off of butterflies and yelling obscenities at babies and junk-punching old people.  They know, without a doubt, that I'm an incredibly ANGRY person who is in desperate need of psychiatric help and they email to tell me that I'm a horrible person with *profound* anger issues.  My favorite piece of hate-mail came from some nutcase who called me a "verbal terrorist" because that's totally a thing.

I'm detecting an unpopular opinion here...GITMO FOR YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.

Pfffffffffffft, go fuck yourselves, hate-mail assholes; you don't know me.  This perception could not be further from the truth.  I'm super laid back and it's incredibly difficult to get me worked up about anything.  If I had a life motto, it would be something like, "Meh," assuming I could even be bothered to come up with a motto, which is unlikely.  I rarely care about anything long enough to form a solid opinion.  This would explain why I post so rarely on this new blog.  I just don't care. 

Why do I seem so angry?  First of all, it's because angry people are funny, so I'm doing it on purpose.  Secondly, it's because my job forces me to interact with the public and I have to be nice and polite all day long even when people are treating me like garbage, so I use my online persona to release some steam.  Writing is my therapy.  Fuck off.  (See?  I feel better already.)

That said, there's no point in having a blog if I'm not gonna post shit from time to time, so I guess I should muster up a halfhearted opinion about something.

If I'm to base the state of the world on what my friends have been posting on Facebook, TWO WHOLE FUCKING THINGS happened this past week.

Thing Number One:  Bruce Jenner became a lady named Caitlyn.

I loved you in "Grey Gardens."
Oh, shit.  Wrong picture.
There we go.

Okay, so, something gay happened; I think I'm supposed to care.  I kinda don't.  I mean, good for Caitlyn.  I'm glad she's finally at peace with everything, but I still wouldn't be surprised if this all turned out to be a publicity stunt borne in the stinking garbage heap of used condoms and empty Cristal bottles Kris Jenner calls a brain.  Let's assume, however, that Caitlyn is a real thing.  I'm glad for her.
Apparently, there's a whole mess of people who are all bent about this story, and from what I've gathered, it's because everyone is saying how brave Caitlyn is to have made this decision and The Mess have decided to take offense at the use of the word "brave."  Their main argument looks like this:
Oh, okay.
Bravery, heroism and courage are not exclusive to combat situations, assholes.  People can be brave and exhibit courage in other ways, and Merriam Webster defines 'hero' as "a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities."  Does *everyone* have to admire this person?  Nope, but some people do, so just STFU already.  There are undoubtedly countless people who very badly wish to change genders-- and many who have done so (note in the comments section of that article the shitheap who says that being transgendered is a mental illness and equates sexual reassignment surgery to self-mutilation)-- and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for them.  For those people, Caitlyn is a brave and courageous and a hero because switching genders is no easy thing.  You don't share the same opinion?  Congratulations on being born in a body that suits you.  Now shut your mouths and go about your business.  Nobody asked you.
That's Thing Number One.
Thing Number Two:  The Duggars are some creepy motherfuckers.
Admittedly, I do not nor have I ever watched the shitshow called "19 Kids and Counting" (formerly known as both "17 Kids and Counting" and "18 Kids and Counting" because what the fucking fuck).  As a gaytheist (yeah, that's a thing) there's nothing appealing to me about watching a show about Christian breeders.  Anyway, apparently there's this show on some cable channel about some über-Christian jackass and the Baby Factory he calls a wife and the NINETEEN GODDAMNED KIDS who shot out of that poor woman's vagina because, 
...says the guy who is his own dad.
Right.  Anyway, brace yourselves.  Crazy as this may sound, it turns out that a *super-duper Christian* is guilty of sexual assault and...
No fucking way!
I *never* would have guessed that anything inappropriate might be going on in an oppressive, insanely religious household.  NEVER!
What is this horseshit.  I've read the articles.  I've even watched a couple videos.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY.
From what I've read/seen, the Duggars think this isn't supposed to be a big deal because the victims were 1) fully clothed and 2) asleep while the molestation was happening.  FUCK THAT.  If I were fully clothed and asleep on the subway and some shithead decided to fondle me through my clothes while I was sleeping, I WOULD BE BEYOND PISSED ABOUT IT AND I WOULD NOT BE MAKING EXCUSES FOR SAID SHITHEAD AND TALKING ABOUT HOW IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.  What the actual fuck, Duggars.  I'll see all of you assholes in hell.
The totally guilty shithead in question actually admitted to molesting kids repeatedly, but the parents did nothing about it because Jesus. 
Fuck this family right in the face. 
You want to know what gets me worked up?  You want to know what cracks my apathy into smithereens?  RELIGION.  Now is not the time; I'll address it in the future.  For the record, fuckery in the name of religion pisses me off like nobody's business.
These assholes-- the Duggars-- OF COURSE have some very anti-gay opinions about shit because they're infinitely more pious than the rest of us and know what's best for everyone and fuck that noise.  LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE A THOUSAND KIDS YOU CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF AND JUST EXPECT *JESUS* TO BE THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING.  Here's a screenshot of the (of course) Fox interview; look at the stupid wife--
"Please tell me what to think.  You are my lord and master.  I'm just a woman.  I can't think for myself because Jesus."
Goddamnit.  Fuck these people right in the face.  Or the elbow.  Or in any place that won't cause another goddamned pregnancy.  SORRY YOUR SHOW GOT CANCELED, MOTHERFUCKERS.  WHERE IS YOUR IMAGINARY SKY WIZARD NOW? 
I guess that covers the news from last week.  Something super gay happened and the majority of the country applauded, and some super religious assholes proved once again that oppressive religious fanaticism is nothing but a breeding ground for illegal, immoral fuckery.
FUCKING ARMAGEDDON, right?  Will there be popcorn, or do I have to bring my own?

Hugs and kisses,
Update:  There's some news about the combat photo/mockery of Jenner's bravery.  See it here:


  1. The Duggars make me wish I still believed in Hell, just so I could know they would rot there for eternity.

    1. Oh, Cheryl. Don't be silly. If Hell exists, it's just one big eternal Gay Pride parade. Hell is gonna be *awesome*.

    2. Good point. All the coolest people will be there.

    3. I shudder to think about what'll be going on in Heaven. Sounds like a lot of sexual assault and praying.

    4. Oh.My.GOD.
      Hell is going to be one big eternal Gay Pride Parada.
      Staaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhp it.

      I love it.

      I miss your updates...

  2. Whoever hated your Cheryl Strayed Blog is full of shit. You validated the perception of those of us who hated "Wild."

  3. And, fuck Cheryl Strayed lovers and the horse they rode in on.

    1. And by "horse they rode in on," we mean "horse they slowly starved to death and then murdered and left to rot in the field."

  4. Glad to see another blog post!

    Just wanted to pop in and ask if you noticed: the guy who posted the anti-hero photo, inadvertently used a photo taken by Mark Hogancamp, the subject of the documentary Marwencol. Mark was beaten up outside of a bar (pretty severely too) for being a cross-dresser. The guy who posted then retracted what he said after he found out about Mark. It's kind of a cool story:

    Don't even get me started on the Duggars. I cringe every time I come across one of this ultra-religious "moral, upstanding" men who take an inordinate amount of interest in their daughters' sexuality. They create the very conditions necessary for closeted child sexual abuse and subsequent cover-ups and victim-blaming.

    1. Oops. I just saw your update. Well, attention to detail has never been my strong suit. Particularly that time I circulated my resume with the phrase "keen attention to detale" on it. Meh on me.

    2. Agreed, Mercer! And is it no surprise that Sarah (I can see Russia from my window) Palin and Mike Huckabee are supporting the Duggars?

  5. I love the visuals you used for this post...the "Grey Gardens" photo was hysterical

  6. Boo on whoever gave you trouble about your Cheryl blog, that is how I found you over here. Kudos you are a fantastic writer.

    The Duggars.....ugh they make me wanna use the exploding head gif.