We're Officially Fucked: The GOP Debate Edition

Hey!  I'm back!  I'm gonna say some stuff!

I know I'm late to the party, but I just finally watched the GOP Debate Giant Shitshow last night and OMFG.  I moved recently, so I no longer own a television and I just got my internet set up; I have no idea how America has responded, but if America isn't shitting its pants right about now, we're in deeper trouble than I suspect.

For those of you who missed it, it's worth watching.  Here are links to allow you to do so:

http://public.media.foxnews.com/2015/08/06/080615_debate_part1_W700.wmv
http://public.media.foxnews.com/2015/08/06/080615_debate_part2_W700.wmv
http://public.media.foxnews.com/2015/08/06/080615_debate_part3_W700.wmv
http://public.media.foxnews.com/2015/08/06/080615_debate_part4_W700.wmv
http://public.media.foxnews.com/2015/08/06/080615_debate_part5_W700.wmv
http://public.media.foxnews.com/2015/08/06/080615_debate_part6_W700.wmv

Don't be afraid of clicking on a link that has "foxnews" in it.  It's cool.  Your computer won't explode.  I won't make the same promise for your head.


Let's do this.

The first thing you need to know is--

THE FUTURE OF 'MERICA, BROUGHT TO YOU BY FOX NEWS AND FACEBOOK

 

 

Horrifying.  Nothing about any of this is okay with me already.  This is a goddamned political debate.  It may as well have been--

 

 

PREZIDENSHUL 'BATIN': IT'S WHAT PLANTS CRAVE*

*If you have not seen the movie "Idiocracy," go watch it now.  It'll be like having watched the debate, only smarter.

 

 

So, yeah.  Fox News teamed up with Facebook so every flag-wavin' dolt in the country could "participate" in the debate and submit questions for the candidates.  We all know this is a horrible idea, and we'll get to it later.

 

Since I have actively been avoiding the news lately, I had no idea that DONALD TRUMP IS THE ACTUAL FRONTRUNNER FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AND HOW IS THIS A THING. 

 

Donald Trump.

 

This guy.

 

Donald.

 

Trump.

 

What the actual fuck.

 

Actually, it makes sense, because here are our other choices:

 

JEB(!)

 

Walker

 

 

Huckabee

 

 

Carson

 

Cruz

 

 

Rubio

 

 

Paul

 

 

Christie

 

 

Kasich

 

 

THE FIELD LOOKS PROMISING.

 

I can't bring myself to review the debate minute-by-minute because I feel that wouldn't be healthy for me right now, but I'll do my best to cover what I thought were the highlights.  THERE ARE SO MANY.  I need to exercise control.

 

First of all, the "debate" took place in none other than my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio, and as a native Clevelander, my immediate reaction was--

 

Why?

 

 

-- but this was the least of my worries.  What I found even more disconcerting was that the debate was moderated by Shari Lewis' own Lambchop--

 

 

-- and how am I supposed to take any of this seriously at this point.

 

Anyway, this is our country I'm talking about, so I settled in and braced myself.

 

The first question allowed Trump to prove what a giant dickhead he is.  No surprise there.

 

Then, Dr. Ben Carson was asked a question, and it was something like, "Dr. Carson.  You're essentially the Sarah Palin of all the candidates, insomuch as you don't know shit about anything.  Basically, you're an idiot.  Should this worry us?"  Dr. Carson's response (THIS MAN IS A NEUROSURGEON) was pretty much,

 

 

 

and that's when I pretty much lost my mind.  He was not asked another question for a good 30 minutes because even the execs at Fox News were like, "Um...no."

 

Jeb Bush decided to join the ranks of Cher, Madonna and Ke$ha by essentially proclaiming that he just goes by JEB(!) now--  "In Florida, they call me Jeb.  Because I've earned it."  He said this directly after saying how proud he was of his brother, but I interpret this as, "PLEASE DO NOT LINK ME TO HIM IN ANY WAY BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT HE'S A GIANT IDIOT AND I DON'T WANT YOU THINKING ABOUT OUR SHARED GENES."  Well done, Jeb(!).  We totally don't remember your brother.  You're like a whole new person.  Totally unrelated.

 

Homicidal Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, took the time to explain how he pretty much hates women but he's still a totes awesome guy in God's eyes, because when it comes to an emergency abortion in order to save a woman's life--

 

THE WOMAN MUST DIE BECAUSE JESUS.

 

 

--and now I'll never be visiting Wisconsin.

 

Huckabee chimed in to proclaim that fetuses have constitutional rights and I was pretty much all, "I HOPE I GET A LOT OF FETUSES SELECTED FOR JURY DUTY IF I'M EVER ON TRIAL," and then I slammed my head into a wall.

 

Trump then told us all about these people called Illegal Immigrants and pointed out the fact that he was the first person to have ever thought about this and America was all, "What are these illegal immigrants you speak of?"  Then he pinpointed a foolproof plan to keep these strange people out of our country--

 

 

 

--and that was pretty much the dumbest idea I'd ever heard until someone else (and I don't remember who it was) suggested an even better idea--

 

 



 

 

-- and good goddamn, these are the people who want to run the country. 

 

(For the record, I believe that we are all citizens *OF THIS PLANET* and I don't give even one fuck about people trying to come to our country.  I have compassion and empathy for every human being and if risking everything to come here is what will make life better, I applaud them, wish them well, and will give them money and help when I'm able.  Why is this such a big deal.  Love people, everybody.  It's a thing.)

 

Let's move on.  Dr. Miss Teen USA decides that torture is a fantastic thing and fuck the Geneva Convention-- USA!  USA!  USA!-- by stating, "What we do in order to get the information that we need is our business," in response to a question about waterboarding and how is this man a doctor.  Also, while I don't remember what the topic was (I'm just going by my notes at this point) he said the sentence, "You don't owe me no tithes," and what the fucking fuck.  Grammar, man.  Grammar.

 

Then everybody made a big deal about Common Core education and how totes amazeballs it is--

 

What the--?  26 + 17.  JUST ADD THE FUCKING NUMBERS.

 

--and not only does this hurt my brain, it makes me terrified for the future of our country.  This is why we are quickly becoming the dumbest country on the planet.

 

My notes remind me that it looks like Rand Paul could at any minute become this guy--

 

You knew I would include this.

 

 

--and if you watch the debate, you'll know what I'm saying is true.

 

There's talk of "murdering babies" and Planned Parenthood is brought up and how is this an actual topic.

 

A lot of this happens--

 

 

 

--because of course it does and then Mike Huckabee explains how the military works:

 





 

THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE.  "THE PURPOSE OF THE MILITARY IS KILL PEOPLE AND BREAK THINGS."  So, to all of my friends who serve, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.  START KILLING PEOPLE AND BREAKING THINGS.  IT'S YOUR JOB.

 

Finally, my favorite part of the "debate" happened (and as a former debater, I feel the need to encompass that word in quotes because I know how debating works, and this was no debate)-- Facebook user Chase A. Norton submitted the following question for the candidates:

 

"I want to know if any of them have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first."

That happened.  That was a thing.

Here is the ONLY acceptable response to that inquiry:

I don't believe in any of the gods, but even if you are a believer, ADMIT THAT HE DOES NOT CHAT WITH YOU.

Everybody then took turns talking about how God totally talks to them like all the time and how God favors America over every other country on earth and I somehow refrained from killing myself.

To conclude the "debate," everyone tried to one-up the others with claims of their poor upbringings, as if this somehow makes any fucking difference.  By the end, you'd think that everyone on the stage had grown up in goddamned cardboard boxes in the gutter and their previous extreme poverty somehow qualified them to lead our country.  I don't understand.

Incidentally, do you know what Hillary Clinton was doing the night of the debate?  THIS:

America, people.  Love it?  This is what we're dealing with.  Kiss it goodbye.

I Guess Some Stuff Happened Last Week

I rarely receive hate-mail about the Cheryl Strayed blog, but when I do, it's from people who are convinced I'm some sort of monster.  They all seem to think I stomp around the world with a perpetual scowl on my face, ripping wings off of butterflies and yelling obscenities at babies and junk-punching old people.  They know, without a doubt, that I'm an incredibly ANGRY person who is in desperate need of psychiatric help and they email to tell me that I'm a horrible person with *profound* anger issues.  My favorite piece of hate-mail came from some nutcase who called me a "verbal terrorist" because that's totally a thing.

I'm detecting an unpopular opinion here...GITMO FOR YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.

Pfffffffffffft, go fuck yourselves, hate-mail assholes; you don't know me.  This perception could not be further from the truth.  I'm super laid back and it's incredibly difficult to get me worked up about anything.  If I had a life motto, it would be something like, "Meh," assuming I could even be bothered to come up with a motto, which is unlikely.  I rarely care about anything long enough to form a solid opinion.  This would explain why I post so rarely on this new blog.  I just don't care. 

Why do I seem so angry?  First of all, it's because angry people are funny, so I'm doing it on purpose.  Secondly, it's because my job forces me to interact with the public and I have to be nice and polite all day long even when people are treating me like garbage, so I use my online persona to release some steam.  Writing is my therapy.  Fuck off.  (See?  I feel better already.)

That said, there's no point in having a blog if I'm not gonna post shit from time to time, so I guess I should muster up a halfhearted opinion about something.

If I'm to base the state of the world on what my friends have been posting on Facebook, TWO WHOLE FUCKING THINGS happened this past week.

Thing Number One:  Bruce Jenner became a lady named Caitlyn.



I loved you in "Grey Gardens."

 

Oh, shit.  Wrong picture.

 

There we go.

 

 



Okay, so, something gay happened; I think I'm supposed to care.  I kinda don't.  I mean, good for Caitlyn.  I'm glad she's finally at peace with everything, but I still wouldn't be surprised if this all turned out to be a publicity stunt borne in the stinking garbage heap of used condoms and empty Cristal bottles Kris Jenner calls a brain.  Let's assume, however, that Caitlyn is a real thing.  I'm glad for her.

 

Apparently, there's a whole mess of people who are all bent about this story, and from what I've gathered, it's because everyone is saying how brave Caitlyn is to have made this decision and The Mess have decided to take offense at the use of the word "brave."  Their main argument looks like this:

 

 

Oh, okay.

 

 

 

 

Bravery, heroism and courage are not exclusive to combat situations, assholes.  People can be brave and exhibit courage in other ways, and Merriam Webster defines 'hero' as "a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities."  Does *everyone* have to admire this person?  Nope, but some people do, so just STFU already.  There are undoubtedly countless people who very badly wish to change genders-- and many who have done so (note in the comments section of that article the shitheap who says that being transgendered is a mental illness and equates sexual reassignment surgery to self-mutilation)-- and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for them.  For those people, Caitlyn is a brave and courageous and a hero because switching genders is no easy thing.  You don't share the same opinion?  Congratulations on being born in a body that suits you.  Now shut your mouths and go about your business.  Nobody asked you.

 

That's Thing Number One.

 

Thing Number Two:  The Duggars are some creepy motherfuckers.

 

Admittedly, I do not nor have I ever watched the shitshow called "19 Kids and Counting" (formerly known as both "17 Kids and Counting" and "18 Kids and Counting" because what the fucking fuck).  As a gaytheist (yeah, that's a thing) there's nothing appealing to me about watching a show about Christian breeders.  Anyway, apparently there's this show on some cable channel about some über-Christian jackass and the Baby Factory he calls a wife and the NINETEEN GODDAMNED KIDS who shot out of that poor woman's vagina because, 

 

...says the guy who is his own dad.

 

 

 

Right.  Anyway, brace yourselves.  Crazy as this may sound, it turns out that a *super-duper Christian* is guilty of sexual assault and...

 

 

No fucking way!

 

I *never* would have guessed that anything inappropriate might be going on in an oppressive, insanely religious household.  NEVER!

 

What is this horseshit.  I've read the articles.  I've even watched a couple videos.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY.

 

From what I've read/seen, the Duggars think this isn't supposed to be a big deal because the victims were 1) fully clothed and 2) asleep while the molestation was happening.  FUCK THAT.  If I were fully clothed and asleep on the subway and some shithead decided to fondle me through my clothes while I was sleeping, I WOULD BE BEYOND PISSED ABOUT IT AND I WOULD NOT BE MAKING EXCUSES FOR SAID SHITHEAD AND TALKING ABOUT HOW IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.  What the actual fuck, Duggars.  I'll see all of you assholes in hell.

 

The totally guilty shithead in question actually admitted to molesting kids repeatedly, but the parents did nothing about it because Jesus. 

 

 

 

 

Fuck this family right in the face. 

 

You want to know what gets me worked up?  You want to know what cracks my apathy into smithereens?  RELIGION.  Now is not the time; I'll address it in the future.  For the record, fuckery in the name of religion pisses me off like nobody's business.

 

These assholes-- the Duggars-- OF COURSE have some very anti-gay opinions about shit because they're infinitely more pious than the rest of us and know what's best for everyone and fuck that noise.  LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE A THOUSAND KIDS YOU CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF AND JUST EXPECT *JESUS* TO BE THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING.  Here's a screenshot of the (of course) Fox interview; look at the stupid wife--

 

"Please tell me what to think.  You are my lord and master.  I'm just a woman.  I can't think for myself because Jesus."

 

 

Goddamnit.  Fuck these people right in the face.  Or the elbow.  Or in any place that won't cause another goddamned pregnancy.  SORRY YOUR SHOW GOT CANCELED, MOTHERFUCKERS.  WHERE IS YOUR IMAGINARY SKY WIZARD NOW? 

 

Ugh.

 

I guess that covers the news from last week.  Something super gay happened and the majority of the country applauded, and some super religious assholes proved once again that oppressive religious fanaticism is nothing but a breeding ground for illegal, immoral fuckery.

 

FUCKING ARMAGEDDON, right?  Will there be popcorn, or do I have to bring my own?

 



Hugs and kisses,

Cali

 

 

Update:  There's some news about the combat photo/mockery of Jenner's bravery.  See it here:  http://www.rawstory.com/2015/06/man-learns-amazing-lesson-in-irony-after-mocking-caitlyn-jenners-bravery-in-viral-facebook-post/

How To Not Be An Asshole: Memorial Day Edition

MEMORIAL DAY!

IMMA GET ME SOME DEALS!

 

 

Memorial Day is coming up-- May 25th, for those of you not paying attention-- and I thought I'd write a Memorial Day post prior to the holiday so when the day arrives, you can know what it's about and maybe actually observe the day appropriately instead of acting like an asshole.

 

For the readers in other countries-- and, more importantly, for readers in America who have no clue what Memorial Day is actually about-- there's this thing in America called Memorial Day.  It's supposed to be a federal holiday dedicated to remembering and honoring the men and women who have died while serving in the Armed Forces, but most Americans know it as "HOLY-SHIT-I CAN-GET-A-MATTRESS-FOR-NEXT-TO-NOTHING-Day" and/or, "Day-Drinking-Fuck-Yeah-Party-Time-Day" because 'MERICA!  FUCK YEAH, let's all go shopping and then get wasted!

 

Not only do stores not close for Memorial Day, stores actually EXTEND their hours because we've turned this very serious, somber day of gratitude and reflection into a day to celebrate and promote materialism because we totally have our priorities straight.

 

"Because Savings died for your freedom!" --Alison

 

 

 

HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS, SALES!!!  I'm sure that's what people who died in the line of duty were thinking of as they took their last breaths:

 

"I hope...that one day...people will-- *cough, gasp*-- get to-- *chokes on blood*-- get a really good deal on... something-- *final exhale*."

 

 

NO.  No, no, no, no, no some more, no again, no several more times, no, no and NO.

 

What the fuck is wrong with everybody.

 

Americans are the worst kind of "patriotic" people.  We all stride around the world as if we own the place and we beat our 'Merica drum anytime another country's people have the gall to disagree with us about something--

 

Remember this fuckery? 

We were wrong about the WMD and you were right.  Our bad, France. 

Look at us not apologizing.

 

 

--but when it comes to actually having to take a day to be grateful for the ultimate sacrifices that countless men and women have made to protect and provide the freedom we all take for granted, we can't be bothered.  Everybody has a picnic or goes shopping, or both, because that's the best way to pay homage to the men and women who have died to secure our way of life.

 

 

 

 

What the fuck is wrong with everybody?  You can't take ONE GODDAMNED DAY to honor the people who have PAID WITH THEIR LIVES to provide you with the freedoms you enjoy?

 

This day is a NATIONAL HOLIDAY.  It was created so we would HONOR THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO HAVE DIED WHILE SERVING THIS COUNTRY.  Is it too much to ask to have everything shut down?  Is it too much to ask to have all Americans observe it in a way as to honor Our Fallen?  Is it too much to ask to take ONE FUCKING DAY to acknowledge the fact that millions of our own people have sacrificed EVERYTHING to preserve the rights we take for granted?

 

No one cares.  No one pays attention.

 

Wait.  That's not quite accurate.

 

Every single Memorial Day, well-meaning people thank me for my service because they don't understand what Memorial Day is about.  While that's nice and all, let's circle around and review:  Memorial Day is for honoring the men and women who have DIED while serving our country.  Don't thank me for my service on Memorial Day.  I didn't die while serving.  That's not what Memorial Day is about.  I applaud you on your attempt to be decent.  I give you an 'A' for effort, but an 'F' on understanding the assignment.  Thank you for kinda paying attention, but I don't actually appreciate the effort.

 

For all the assholes who don't know shit about anything and only know Memorial Day as some mysterious thing that gives you a three-day weekend,

 



This guy is probably your hero.

 

 

YEAH, I JUST DID THAT.

 

I get it, America-- you get to have Monday off.  Here's the thing.  While you're enjoying your day off, I want these images burned into your head:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take a good, hard look at those and then enjoy your barbeques and your shopping sprees.

 

 



 

If, however, you wish to celebrate the day in a way that honors the meaning of the day itself, here are some suggestions:

 

* Visit cemeteries and place flowers and flags on the graves of fallen heroes.

 

*Visit memorials dedicated to veterans.

 

*Fly the flag at half-staff until noon.

 

*Pause at 3 p.m. for the National Moment of Remembrance.

 

*Visit disabled or wounded veterans, thank them for their service and listen to their stories (THIS is when it's acceptable to thank someone for their service-- because they more than likely served with close friends who died next to them in combat).  Don't do it out of obligation and go off to happy-time-daydream-land when they tell you their stories.  LISTEN to them.  See their pain.  Give them all the attention you have to give, as little as you may think it means.  Stop for a minute.  Imagine that you were put in a position-- a position YOU VOLUNTEERED TO BE IN-- where you and your closest friends were put in grave danger.  Imagine that a good number of your closest friends were killed in that situation, but you survived.  Imagine that the citizens of your country didn't really give a shit.  Then, imagine that only a few people will come to visit you to ask you how you are and to inquire about what happened that horrible day or days.  You would want to tell them that story and to honor your friends who didn't make it out alive.  You would want to tell their stories to honor them, and you would be so grateful for the fact that someone bothered to ask.  I have sad, angry tears in my eyes as I type this.  How many of you will spend Memorial Day honoring the men and women who have died in service to our country?  How many of you will visit the survivors and listen to their stories?  And how many of you will do no such thing and enjoy your picnics?

 

 

If you're totally fine with being an asshole, go shopping and get day-wasted because that's totally your right.  Just remember that millions of people died in order to protect your right to be an uncaring, self-absorbed asshole who doesn't feel in any way obligated to feel even one iota of gratitude for the people who have fought and died for your "right' to be an asshole.

 

Happy Memorial Day.

 



 

 



 





I'm Being Sued!

No, it's not what you think.  Cheryl Strayed isn't suing me (though that would be endlessly entertaining).  It's something even dumber:

 

 

According to this article and this article and this article and a whole mess of other articles (just Google it; I don't have all day to keep giving you links), there's some jackass woman in Nebraska who is suing "all homosexuals."  Well, fuck me sideways.  I didn't even know that was a thing.  Can you do that?  Can I file a lawsuit against *all* idiots?

 

Look.  I'm totally gonna talk about other stuff in future posts.  I have no intention of turning this blog into some big, rainbow-farting gay fest, but c'mon.  What's with people and the obsession with gays?  Just this past week, some conservative fucktard named Sandy Rios blamed the Amtrak tragedy in Philadelphia on the conductor's sexual orientation because that makes total sense.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Disaster happens because GAY. 

 

 

Before we go on, allow a moment for me to address any homophobic readers who might accidentally stumble upon this blog.

 

 

Dear insanely anti-gay people,

 

You know what we gay folks all think when we hear you ranting about us?  "FAG."  That's what we think.  Gosh, I wonder why.  Seems like all the loudest hatemongers end up getting caught doing some supremely gay shit.

 

Oh, right, because it doesn't work that way.

 

 

Then there's this study and this study and all the other studies (there are too many links and I may have just linked you to the same study twice because I wasn't paying attention; again, Google it yourselves) that kinda prove how homophobic "heterosexual" men get giant boners when they watch totally hot man-on-man gay porn, while heterosexual men who are all, "Meh, who cares about gay people?" do *not* get giant boners when they watch totally hot man-on-man gay porn (note: everybody gets a boner when they watch lesbian porn because of course they do).  Anyway, that's so weird how all the anti-gay men get aroused when they watch man-on-man action, except-- oh, wait, no, it's not weird.  We tend to hate in others the things we don't like about ourselves, so... tell me more about how gay people are just the worst and how what we do is disgusting!  Just remember: the bigger the stink you make about gay people, the gayer you sound.  Can't wait to hear from you in the comments section-- especially you men-- so I can introduce you to this thing called Grindr. Oh, wait.  I probably won't hear from you because you're going to click on that link and then you'll be too busy meeting other men in your area for anonymous gay sex and you suddenly won't have any time to leave comments.  God, I wish there were a way to track this.

 

Hug and kisses, all you closet homos,

Cali

 

 

 

Anyway, let's get back to the topic at hand: I'M BEING SUED!  Holy shit!  Should I get a lawyer?  Let's look into this lawsuit a bit further to see just how serious it is.

 

The first thing you should know is that the entire lawsuit is handwritten on notebook paper because that's totally how lawsuits work.

 

This happened.

 

 

Holy shit.  I can't deal with that handwriting.

 

Here's the whole shebang in all its unedited glory (in respect for our dear Sylvia Ann Driskell, no grammatical corrections have been made):

 

Plaintiffs:
I Sylvia Ann Driskell
Ambassador for Plaintiffs
God, and His, Son, Jesus Christ
…
Defendants:
Homosexuals
Their Given Name Homosexuals
Their, Alis Gay
…
Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell ambassador for Plaintiffs do set forth on this 30 day of 2015 in writing this Petition to the United State District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska

On behalf of the Plintiffs: God, and His, Son, Jesus Christ.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell ambassador for the Plaintiffs: God, and His, Son, Jesus Christ: Petition Your Honor, and Court of the United State District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraka, To be heard in the matter of homosexuality. Is Homosexuality a sin, or not a sin,

Defendant’s Homosexuals: The Homosexuals say that its not a sin to be a homosexual, An they have the right to marry, to be parents, And God doesn’t care that their homosexuals, because He loves them.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, refer Your Honor to paragraph 3, line 2 of Defendant’s, Homosexuals say that its not a sin, to be a homosexual.

Plaintiff’s: God tells his children in Leviticus Chapter 18 verse 22. Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind. It is ambomination.

Plaintiff’s: God also tells his Children in Romans Chapter 1 verse 26, 27. Romans 1:26. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affection: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: Romans Chapter 1, verse 27. And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; Men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell: Your Honor, I’ve heard the boasting of the Defendant: the Homosexuals on the world news; from the young, to the old; to the rich an famous, and to the not so rich an famous; How they were tired of hiding in the closet, and how glad they are to be coming out of the closet.

Plaintiff’s: God, tells his Children in Romans Chapter 1, vere 28, And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, Contend that homosexuality is a sin, and that they the homosexuals know it is a sin to live a life of homosexuality. Why else would they have been hiding in a closet.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, refer to Webster Dictionary for the definition of sin: sin the willful breaking of religious or moral law.

Defendant’s Homosexuals: In regards to paragraph 3 line 2 They the homosexuals, say they have the right to marry.

Plaintiff’s God: God’s word tells his children in Jenesis chapter 2 verse 24. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleanse unto his wife and they shall be one flesh.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell refer to the Webster Dictionary for the definitions of the word marry. 1 to join as husband and wife 2 to talk as husband or wife.

Defendant’s Homosexuals: In regards to paragraph 3 line 3 They the homosexuals, say they have the right to be parents.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell refer to Webster Dictionary for the definition for parent. 1. A father or mother. 2. Any organism in relation to its offspring.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell write these words to You, Your Honor: every good Father and Mother knows that its not just being able to give life to a child that makes a parent.

Ambassador: I, Sylvia Ann Driskell contend a good parent is not just a father or a mother that tells their children whats right; it’s the parent that walks the walk, and that talks, the talk, who are the example of what they teach, that’s why their children know right from wrong.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, write, As well, we also know that if a child is raised in a home of liers, an deceivers, and thieves that it is reasonable to believe that child will grow up to be one of the three, are all three.

Plaintiff’s: God tells the parents in Proverbs chapter 22 verse 6. Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Defendant’s Homosexuals: I regards to paragraph 3, line 3. They the homosexuals, say that God doesn’t care, that their homosexuals, because he loves them.

Plaintiff’s God: God tells his children in Romans chapter 1, verse 18. For the wrath of God is reveald from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness

Plaintiff’s God: God also tells his children in Romans 1, verse 24. Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lust of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves.

Plaintiff’s God: God tells his children in Romans chapter 1, verse 25. Who change the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed, for ever. Amen.

Defendant’s Homosexuals: In regards to paragraph 3, line 4. Because God loves them.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, contend thats the only statement the defendants have rights God loves them so much that He gave his Son, and Jesus gave his life for them.

Plaintiff’s God: God prophecies of His, Son, Jesus Christ, in Isaiah chapter 53, verse 5. But he was wounded for Our transgression, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are heald.

Isaiah chapter 53, verse 6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. Isaiah chapter 55 verse 7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; And to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

Plaintiff’s Jesus Christ: In Luke chapter 23, verse 34. Then said Jesus, Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell, wish to address You, Your Honor, and the United State District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska.

I write not in few words, So I hope you, Your Honor, and The United State District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska; will indulge me, in my writing.

Never before has Our great Nation the United State of America and Our great state of Nebraska; been besiege by sin:

The way to destroy any nation, or state is to destroy its morals; look what happen to Sodom and Gomorrah two city because of the same immoral behavior that represent in our nation, in our states, and our cities; God destroy them.

If God could have found ten righteous people among them he would’ve spared them.

I’m sixty six years old, an I never thought that I would see the day in which our Great Nation or Our Great State of Nebraska would become so compliant to the complicity of some peoples lewd behavior.

Why are judges passing laws, so sinners can break religious and moral laws?

Will all the judges of this Nation, judge God to be a lier?

For God has said; that all unrighteousness is sin, and that homosexuality is abomination

Ambassador: I Sylvia Ann Driskell: I have written this Petition to the United State District Court of Omaha, Omaha, Nebraska, and to you, Your Honor.

Because I feel its is imperative to do so. Life as a nation, as States, and as Cities need to start standing up for the moral principles on which our, Great Nation, Our, Great States, and Our, Great Cities were founded on.

Lamentations 3:22
It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not.

ambassador Sylvia Ann Driskell



 

 

My word. 

 

I'm confused.  I thought she was suing all homosexuals, but then I read everything over and concluded that she is only suing one person-- the Defendant-- and that this person owns all of the homosexuals.  "Defendant’s Homosexuals."  She refers to the "Defendant's Homosexuals" multiple times.  Does someone own me?  Goddamnit.  Have I been filing my taxes wrong all these years?

 

Okay.  While it would be good, hilarious fun to rip apart this idiot's lawsuit based on grammar alone-- and you KNOW I'm having a fucking stroke over here-- let's overlook that aspect and what the fuck did I just write.  Still.  Seeing as these two people were my parents--

 

There's my mom!

 

Aaaaand, that's my dad.

 

 

-- I'm maybe just a little familiar with the Bible, so I'm gonna take this on from a religious approach because 37 years of living on this planet have provided me with the knowledge that the vast majority of people who enjoy spitting out Bible passages aren't really all that familiar with the Bible, kind of like Sylvia here, who quoted "The Book of Jenesis."

 

This website makes my job that much easier.  Let's now explore 76 other things that are banned according to the Bible (just from Leviticus):

 

 

1.       Burning any yeast or honey in offerings to God (2:11)
2.       Failing to include salt in offerings to God (2:13)
3.       Eating fat (3:17)
4.       Eating blood (3:17)
5.       Failing to testify against any wrongdoing you’ve witnessed (5:1)
6.       Failing to testify against any wrongdoing you’ve been told about (5:1)
7.       Touching an unclean animal (5:2)
8.       Carelessly making an oath (5:4)
9.       Deceiving a neighbor about something trusted to them (6:2)
10.   Finding lost property and lying about it (6:3)
11.   Bringing unauthorized fire before God (10:1)
12.   Letting your hair become unkempt (10:6)
13.   Tearing your clothes (10:6)
14.   Drinking alcohol in holy places (10:9)
15.   Eating an animal which doesn’t both chew cud and has a divided hoof (cf: camel, rabbit, pig) (11:4-7)
16.   Touching the carcass of any of the above (problems here for rugby) (11:8)
17.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – any seafood without fins or scales (11:10-12)
18.   Eating – or touching the carcass of - eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, the red kite, any kind of black kite, any kind of raven, the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat. (11:13-19)
19.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – flying insects with four legs, unless those legs are jointed (11:20-22)
20.   Eating any animal which walks on all four and has paws (11:27)
21.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – the weasel, the rat, any kind of great lizard, the gecko, the monitor lizard, the wall lizard, the skink and the chameleon (11:29)
22.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – any creature which crawls on many legs, or its belly (11:41-42)
23.   Going to church within 33 days after giving birth to a boy (12:4)
24.   Going to church within 66 days after giving birth to a girl (12:5)
25.   Having sex with your mother (18:7)
26.   Having sex with your father’s wife (18:8)
27.   Having sex with your sister (18:9)
28.   Having sex with your granddaughter (18:10)
29.   Having sex with your half-sister (18:11)
30.   Having sex with your biological aunt (18:12-13)
31.   Having sex with your uncle’s wife (18:14)
32.   Having sex with your daughter-in-law (18:15)
33.   Having sex with your sister-in-law (18:16)
34.   Having sex with a woman and also having sex with her daughter or granddaughter (bad news for Alan Clark) (18:17)
35.   Marrying your wife’s sister while your wife still lives (18:18)
36.   Having sex with a woman during her period (18:19)
37.   Having sex with your neighbour’s wife (18:20)
38.   Giving your children to be sacrificed to Molek (18:21)
39.   Having sex with a man “as one does with a woman” (18:22)
40.   Having sex with an animal (18:23)
41.   Making idols or “metal gods” (19:4)
42.   Reaping to the very edges of a field (19:9)
43.   Picking up grapes that have fallen in your  vineyard (19:10)
44.   Stealing (19:11)
45.   Lying (19:11)
46.   Swearing falsely on God’s name (19:12)
47.   Defrauding your neighbour (19:13)
48.   Holding back the wages of an employee overnight (19:13)
49.   Cursing the deaf or abusing the blind (19:14)
50.   Perverting justice, showing partiality to either the poor or the rich (19:15)
51.   Spreading slander (19:16)
52.   Doing anything to endanger a neighbour’s life (19:16)
53.   Seeking revenge or bearing a grudge (19:18)
54.   Mixing fabrics in clothing (19:19)
55.   Cross-breeding animals (19:19)
56.   Planting different seeds in the same field (19:19)
57.   Sleeping with another man’s slave (19:20)
58.   Eating fruit from a tree within four years of planting it (19:23)
59.   Practising divination or seeking omens (tut, tut astrology) (19:26)
60.   Trimming your beard (19:27)
61.   Cutting your hair at the sides (19:27)
62.   Getting tattoos (19:28)
63.   Making your daughter prostitute herself (19:29)
64.   Turning to mediums or spiritualists (19:31)
65.   Not standing in the presence of the elderly (19:32)
66.   Mistreating foreigners – “the foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born”  (19:33-34)
67.   Using dishonest weights and scales (19:35-36)
68.   Cursing your father or mother (punishable by death) (20:9)
69.   Marrying a prostitute, divorcee or widow if you are a priest (21:7,13)
70.   Entering a place where there’s a dead body as a priest (21:11)
71.   Slaughtering a cow/sheep and its young on the same day (22:28)
72.   Working on the Sabbath (23:3)
73.   Blasphemy (punishable by stoning to death) (24:14)
74.   Inflicting an injury; killing someone else’s animal; killing a person must be punished in kind (24:17-22)
75.   Selling land permanently (25:23)
76.   Selling an Israelite as a slave (foreigners are fine) (25:42)


Well, look at that.  Please, are there any people reading this who haven't committed at least one of these terrible, terrible abominations?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  This all comes straight out of the Christian Bible.  If Christianity (in any of its forms) is your religion, guess what: you don't get to pick and choose which rules you feel like following.  I'm familiar with your God, and he sounds like a giant, insecure asshole.  You'd better do what he says or you'll go to hell (don't worry, he totally still loves you; that's why he created Hell-- so you can suffer forever for committing petty crimes).

What's with the obsessive fascination about the gay stuff?  All the shit listed above is in the bible, too.  Why aren't people going apeshit about the other stuff?

YOU'RE A FUCKING ABONINATION, PUGGLE.

 

 

Working on Sunday?  SORRY, PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO MAKE A LIVING, HELL FOR YOU.

 

Oh, is that shirt a polyester blend?  SEE YOU IN HELL, MOTHERFUCKER.

 

Did you enjoy your seafood dinner?  HOPE IT WAS WORTH AN ETERNITY IN HELL.

 

 

Is this seriously the sort of shit people believe?  Of course not, because believing all of this nonsense would be totes inconvenient.  Let's just focus on the gay stuff.

 

Here's a helpful chart to help you figure out where you should stand on gay rights:

 

You're welcome.

 

 

Okay, I'm gonna go find a good lawyer because this lawsuit is just terrifying.